On 13th of August, Lisa Anderson – director of the Boundless website and host of The Boundless Show – had a Q&A session with the participants of The Dating Manifesto Conference at Glad Tidings Assembly of God, Petaling Jaya, organized by Focus on the Family Malaysia.
#1 How do you handle a break-up in church?
The best way to prevent a bad break-up is to conduct the relationship based on 1 Timothy 5:1b-2, which says, ‘Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” This means no physical or emotional boundaries are crossed, but you leave the person better than when you found them. Another way to break-up well is to allow space between each other to reflect and heal, before resuming the friendship in purity.
Lisa Anderson in an ice-breaking session
#2 What do you think about dating to evangelize?
The root causes of dating to evangelize are denial and insensibility. God can get him or her saved without you becoming the sacrificial lamb. The Bible is clear that we are not to be yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). You are linking to the person for the rest of your life and setting yourself out for heartache if you decide to date and get married with a non-believer. But what you can do is to be a representative of Jesus Christ to the person.
#3 What is your take on a huge age gap in a dating relationship?
If an 18 years old were to date a 28 year old, there may be a lot of difference in terms of mental and emotional maturity. However, if a 28 year old were to date a 38 year old, their mental and emotional maturity may be closer. Nevertheless, more than age, mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity are better indicators. Are you evenly married spiritually? In every dating relationship, it is good to have counsellors who know both of you to speak truth directly into your dating relationship.
#4 How do advise a friend cohabiting with a non-believer without being self-righteous?
We become so much like the world because we are afraid of offending people. But if we are Christians, we are called to be accountable to each other. The friend of Christian faith needs to know that living in unrepentant sin is an act of setting himself or herself up for the judgment of God. I have a friend who became a lesbian. Although she told me how she had peace with her decision, my question was, ‘What if God has not asked you to live a life of peace but to struggle your whole life for this?’ We got to trust God that He has our stories in His hands, and stay obedient to Him and honour Him with our lives.
Lisa Anderson signing her book, The Dating Manifesto
#5 Would you call a couple going on vacations alone as cohabitation?
I think this action is foolish, as going on a vacation as a couple alone is the hallmark of intimacy, which is exclusive in marriage. This one-to-one time with each other for days is meant for a committed relationship, which is really marriage. If you go on a vacation with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you are setting yourself up for failure because there are no eyes and no heads around you to protect you.
#6 What is your take on ladies making initiative in a date?
I am not a huge fan of ladies making initiative in a date, though there are many arguments. Many married women who were frustrated, talked about how their husbands would not make simple decisions. But the more a guy can step up and shine in a dating, the more you can see him continuing to do this in marriage. As a rule, if you date passive and lame, you will marry passive and lame. So, if you as a woman made initiatives initially, it is acceptable as long as it does not become a habit for the man. The man will need to eventually step up and lead. As women, to encourage men to step up is for us to step back and let the men make initiatives for the dates as well.
#7 What if Christians friends are competing with the same person to date?
I am a big fan of letting the chips fall where they may. Sometimes, we protect someone’s feelings too much. But if two guys are interested in the same girl, both can ask her out for a date. The point is that we are all mature adults. Pray, act and trust God in the process of dating. See what He does.
Lisa Anderson with two participants of the Dating Manifesto conference
#8 In our Asian culture, we don’t date someone unless we are interested to pursue marriage. How do we handle possible rumours that we are ‘players’?
In the 1950’s, it is okay for a girl to on four dates in the weekend. Then you cut the clutter and focus on one person. It is not dating 12 people for two years, because that will be a waste of time. The problem with Joshua Harris’ book – I Kissed Dating Goodbye – some of the guys said that they could not ever ask a girl out without knowing if he wanted to marry her.
#9 Would you have a long distance relationship?
A relationship has to be in real time and space. If your boyfriend or girlfriend cannot consistently drive back and forth, then it’s not advisable to live in different states and countries. I have seen long term relationships like this, whereby people appear to be great because they are not in your life every day. Also, I am a big fan of young marriage. If you are mature enough and you know where you are heading, the best season to get marry is 20 to 26 years old. Before and after this, there is a higher divorce rate. I don’t think you need a house filled with furniture and a solid career before marriage, but have a clear sight of where you are going.
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#10 Is celibacy God’s Will for me and how do I know if I should be a celibate?
First of all, we know that we should be a celibate if we are not married. Some people know in their early twenties that God has called them into celibacy, so that they are not burdened by the cares of children and given the freedom by God to pursue a life devoted to Him. People who are called to be celibates are not those who use a girl and defraud her in a relationship. If we are single now, trust God where He has placed you right now.
Lisa Anderson with a participant of The Dating Manifesto Conference
The answers above were not written verbatim as shared by Lisa Anderson, but they were constructed to be concise and accurate, while retaining the original content as much as possible.
NOTE: Lisa Anderson has written a book called The Dating Manifesto, which content is briefly shared in this article. For more in-depth insights, you can purchase this book here.
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